It's a cold winter day and I have soup on the stove simmering. I'm in the mood for baking, but my heart is thoughtful and I haven't updated my blog for a while, so here I am... updating.
This morning's bible study was mainly about adoption and foster care. I was reminded that as a follower of Christ, I am not called to live a life of perfect peace and tranquility. I am called to enter the mess of the unfortunate and the vulnerable. I am called to visit them in their time of need... to offer them the nourishment that I have so liberally received. And believe me... there are messes to be entered. Right now the shelter for foster children in our community is completely full. There are hundreds of children abandoned to this kind of a life in my very own city. In the world there are millions. I was overwhelmed by the need this morning, and today I am asking God, "what do I do?" I need to take action, but what action does He want me to take now? Volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center? What is He calling me to do in the future? Foster a child? Adopt? Maybe. I am coming to a place where I hurt enough over people's needs to make some sacrifices. I am ready for God to speak to David and to me about His plan for us to defend the vulnerable.
It's a beautiful thing to have your heart broken. I want to allow pain to transform me. I want to allow the needs of others around me to permeate my thoughts and to burden me to the point of action. I have never really wanted this before. It's not natural. I have always wanted to be happy and peaceful and to have the lines of my life drawn in such a way that no color escapes the right places. Life on this earth just wasn't meant to look that way. I'm coming to see that. It's awkward. How do you deliberately color outside the lines? How do you embrace a feeling you have spent your life learning how to flee? Heartache. Suffering. How can I learn to embrace them as gifts?
I don't know.
I know I'll find out if I continue this following with everything I've got. I am counting the cost and my heart is stepping forward. May my actions follow swiftly behind.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
5:00 a.m. Thoughts
It's a little after 5 and I woke up about an hour ago. On most occasions I would be quite put out about being in any way conscious at a time like this, but wakefulness came in a gentle way this morning. The rain is steadily pouring over everything outside, and I am warm and cozy inside- the best feeling when you hear that soothing sound of rain. David is sleeping peacefully in the other room. I left the bed when I woke up so I wouldn't wake him, because he is a hibernating bear when he's sleeping; you don't want to mess with a hibernating bear... trust me. Besides, he needs his sleep. Yesterday was a long day for him, leading four services in worship at Cross Church.
I woke this morning with a sense of ache over time- the beautiful ache that comes when you remember the good things about your life. So many times I wish I've recorded more of it, but sometimes you get too busy living life to take time to ponder it and record the special things.
I remember starting to notice David for the first time as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. How could a girl in her right mind not fall in love with him? I loved everything about him, and the more I got to know, the more I loved. Love sneaks up on you sometimes. I loved his boyish grin and his eccentric shirts. I loved his bouncing gait and his attention deficit in a crowd. I loved the freckles on his face, and the red birthmark that always made it look like his pink-lipstick-adorned grandma kissed him on the cheek. And I loved to watch him with people, treating them as though they meant something and that they were important to him. I felt I understood him, and he seemed to understand me, but not in a forceful or assuming way, for there is always more to discover about a person. We discovered love together without trying, and it felt like fireworks.
The engagement and the wedding followed shortly, and we were off!! Building a life in a tiny gray house we bought with a black mailbox and black numbers stuck to it's siding. "4926" - our first address. We had the time of our lives in that little house. I personally didn't think I would ever want to live in anything bigger. I was so happy there, and it felt like that season would last forever. We built a snowman and had designated hot chocolate nights (alright... hot chocolate night was almost every night for a while). We had no television, so we would curl up in bed and watch Netflix movies on his computer (with our hot chocolate). I baked muffins, and cookies, and pies, and tried my hand out at new dinners. My favorite thing was to have the house shining clean, candles and music flickering, and dinner in the works when David got home from work. He loved it, always making a huge fuss about how great my dinner was, or how beautiful the house looked. We went hunting and fishing together (I mostly napped), and enjoyed our first family vacation with his family at Myrtle Beach, then with my family in Kennebunkport, ME. We shared Christmas Day at our own house, and swapped visiting our families between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Being a newlywed seemed to last for so long, and sometimes I feel like we're still there. Life does bring changes, though, and changes in life bring change your relationship. In May of this year we were called to Fayetteville, Arkansas where David would pastor the college students at Cross Church. We moved in June. I had never so quickly gone through so many changes in life before. We moved 15 hours away from our little gray house in a matter of 2 weeks, leaving family and friends scattered up and down the east coast in order to obey the call we knew was placed in both of us... Reach Northwest Arkansas college students with the gospel of Jesus Christ and make disciples among them, teaching them what walking with Christ means. David became so much more than a perfect playmate- we became partners in a mission assigned by God. The changes have been difficult at times. Packing everything you own and moving half-way across the country to start a ministry from scratch is not something you want to do every day. The stresses could have worn us down, but our relationship stands on a firm foundation. Through all of these changes I have not lost the love and the deep affection I have for that boyish grin. I still love all those things that I loved back then, but I love them differently now... not with fireworks, but in a slow steady way that happens every day.
There have been times in my marriage, just as in the other parts of my life, when I have felt identity crisis. I clearly remember mourning over the loss of my maiden name... I didn't realize how much giving up a name meant. It really is a symbol of what marriage is... self sacrifice. Of course, in a healthy marriage the self sacrifice is mirrored on both sides, making it a lighter burden, but a burden it remains, and love requires it. It requires you to put self further down and look to the needs and wants of someone other than you. It is not for the self-consumed, and it does not always pay back in full- not when you are married to a human. This is not the bitter ranting of an angry housewife. These are true words, spoken with realistic expectations.
I know God understands this truth all too well, having set the example for us in Himself. He experienced human love on a real level in the person of Jesus, and also experiences to this very day the pain it causes, having loved much with nary a returned glance from some. He experienced the ultimate sacrifice in identity. Philippians 2:5-8 sheds a beautiful light on the kind of sacrifice He made on our behalf:
"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross."
If Jesus Christ, who is God can give up his privileges as God to take on the identity of a slave and a criminal, I think I (imperfect and in need of much grace) can give up my identity as an independent woman, successful in the world's eyes if I am called to it. And I am called to it. I find joy in sacrificing myself to serve David and to serve WITH David in ministry regardless of David's ability to make it worth it. I find joy in all of this because I am filled up past the measure of fullness by the love of Christ. His love compels me.
The rain is still pattering and it's now getting close to 7. Ha! Where does time go? I think I'll have some breakfast.
I woke this morning with a sense of ache over time- the beautiful ache that comes when you remember the good things about your life. So many times I wish I've recorded more of it, but sometimes you get too busy living life to take time to ponder it and record the special things.
I remember starting to notice David for the first time as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. How could a girl in her right mind not fall in love with him? I loved everything about him, and the more I got to know, the more I loved. Love sneaks up on you sometimes. I loved his boyish grin and his eccentric shirts. I loved his bouncing gait and his attention deficit in a crowd. I loved the freckles on his face, and the red birthmark that always made it look like his pink-lipstick-adorned grandma kissed him on the cheek. And I loved to watch him with people, treating them as though they meant something and that they were important to him. I felt I understood him, and he seemed to understand me, but not in a forceful or assuming way, for there is always more to discover about a person. We discovered love together without trying, and it felt like fireworks.
The engagement and the wedding followed shortly, and we were off!! Building a life in a tiny gray house we bought with a black mailbox and black numbers stuck to it's siding. "4926" - our first address. We had the time of our lives in that little house. I personally didn't think I would ever want to live in anything bigger. I was so happy there, and it felt like that season would last forever. We built a snowman and had designated hot chocolate nights (alright... hot chocolate night was almost every night for a while). We had no television, so we would curl up in bed and watch Netflix movies on his computer (with our hot chocolate). I baked muffins, and cookies, and pies, and tried my hand out at new dinners. My favorite thing was to have the house shining clean, candles and music flickering, and dinner in the works when David got home from work. He loved it, always making a huge fuss about how great my dinner was, or how beautiful the house looked. We went hunting and fishing together (I mostly napped), and enjoyed our first family vacation with his family at Myrtle Beach, then with my family in Kennebunkport, ME. We shared Christmas Day at our own house, and swapped visiting our families between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Being a newlywed seemed to last for so long, and sometimes I feel like we're still there. Life does bring changes, though, and changes in life bring change your relationship. In May of this year we were called to Fayetteville, Arkansas where David would pastor the college students at Cross Church. We moved in June. I had never so quickly gone through so many changes in life before. We moved 15 hours away from our little gray house in a matter of 2 weeks, leaving family and friends scattered up and down the east coast in order to obey the call we knew was placed in both of us... Reach Northwest Arkansas college students with the gospel of Jesus Christ and make disciples among them, teaching them what walking with Christ means. David became so much more than a perfect playmate- we became partners in a mission assigned by God. The changes have been difficult at times. Packing everything you own and moving half-way across the country to start a ministry from scratch is not something you want to do every day. The stresses could have worn us down, but our relationship stands on a firm foundation. Through all of these changes I have not lost the love and the deep affection I have for that boyish grin. I still love all those things that I loved back then, but I love them differently now... not with fireworks, but in a slow steady way that happens every day.
There have been times in my marriage, just as in the other parts of my life, when I have felt identity crisis. I clearly remember mourning over the loss of my maiden name... I didn't realize how much giving up a name meant. It really is a symbol of what marriage is... self sacrifice. Of course, in a healthy marriage the self sacrifice is mirrored on both sides, making it a lighter burden, but a burden it remains, and love requires it. It requires you to put self further down and look to the needs and wants of someone other than you. It is not for the self-consumed, and it does not always pay back in full- not when you are married to a human. This is not the bitter ranting of an angry housewife. These are true words, spoken with realistic expectations.
I know God understands this truth all too well, having set the example for us in Himself. He experienced human love on a real level in the person of Jesus, and also experiences to this very day the pain it causes, having loved much with nary a returned glance from some. He experienced the ultimate sacrifice in identity. Philippians 2:5-8 sheds a beautiful light on the kind of sacrifice He made on our behalf:
"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross."
If Jesus Christ, who is God can give up his privileges as God to take on the identity of a slave and a criminal, I think I (imperfect and in need of much grace) can give up my identity as an independent woman, successful in the world's eyes if I am called to it. And I am called to it. I find joy in sacrificing myself to serve David and to serve WITH David in ministry regardless of David's ability to make it worth it. I find joy in all of this because I am filled up past the measure of fullness by the love of Christ. His love compels me.
The rain is still pattering and it's now getting close to 7. Ha! Where does time go? I think I'll have some breakfast.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Life Is a Balance Beam
Sometimes you just need rain. Anything in excess is wearing. I grew up in cold New England, where winter seems to drone on forever, and summers are compiled of short but sweet memories. Summer in New England is kind of like Christmas to a little kid. You wait and dream of the day you'll be able to go out with a t-shirt on. When it finally hits 65 you practically leap for joy. Your winter skin begs to be exposed to some semblance of sunlight; even a windy 65 degrees will suffice. I can remember waiting sometimes until July to really feel warm enough to even want to swim.
So here I am in the middle of the country where hot is the new cold, sweat is the new shivering, and jackets are the new goal. 108 will take your breath away, and even 10 days in a row above 100 is a little much. Try 32. That's what just happened here. I never thought I would grow to resent heat, but like I said... too much of anything will wear you right out. You can imagine my delight the other day to hear a rumbling of thunder and to feel a cool breeze sweep in. The heat wave has been broken, and the rain is coming through! I am loving just watching the earth drink it up. I have my WoodWick candle flickering and my guitar handy. It's been a nice day.
Tonight David is taking me out on a date. I'm excited to spend some special time with him. I have a job interview on Monday, so I'm enjoying my days of no obligations to the fullest. Lately everything in my mind keeps drifting back to balance. I have loved not working and getting adjusted to our new life, but I know I was designed for a purpose, and I feel ready to take that on again. I love summer, but fall seems to beckon me more loudly every day. Our Creator is the author of balance. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He designed us to thrive in seasons. I just think that's so cool.
So I suppose my theme Bible verse for today to dwell on would be from Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:" You can read the rest yourself.
So here I am in the middle of the country where hot is the new cold, sweat is the new shivering, and jackets are the new goal. 108 will take your breath away, and even 10 days in a row above 100 is a little much. Try 32. That's what just happened here. I never thought I would grow to resent heat, but like I said... too much of anything will wear you right out. You can imagine my delight the other day to hear a rumbling of thunder and to feel a cool breeze sweep in. The heat wave has been broken, and the rain is coming through! I am loving just watching the earth drink it up. I have my WoodWick candle flickering and my guitar handy. It's been a nice day.
Tonight David is taking me out on a date. I'm excited to spend some special time with him. I have a job interview on Monday, so I'm enjoying my days of no obligations to the fullest. Lately everything in my mind keeps drifting back to balance. I have loved not working and getting adjusted to our new life, but I know I was designed for a purpose, and I feel ready to take that on again. I love summer, but fall seems to beckon me more loudly every day. Our Creator is the author of balance. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He designed us to thrive in seasons. I just think that's so cool.
So I suppose my theme Bible verse for today to dwell on would be from Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:" You can read the rest yourself.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Coffee Shops and Familiar People
I'm sitting here at a local coffee shop called "Arsaga's" and I've officially been here for 6 hours. Holy cow. I don't know what it is, but I just got sucked in. We know the owners (they go to Cross Church Fayetteville), and the atmosphere in here was just so inviting that I haven't felt the need to leave. One sandwich with chips, a mocha latte, and an espresso later, here I am now joined by my awesome man, and I'm pretty happy.
I think I'm going to like living here. It's starting to feel a lot more like home. I'm really thankful, because this transition (though it's been much better than it could have been) has been hard.
Today we bought our tickets to go home for Thanksgiving... Woohooo!!!! I can't wait to see the family. AND to top it off, my parents are planning to come for a week in September.
Basically, today is awesome. I just had to write a little blurb about it.
Hope your day is as good as mine!
I think I'm going to like living here. It's starting to feel a lot more like home. I'm really thankful, because this transition (though it's been much better than it could have been) has been hard.
Today we bought our tickets to go home for Thanksgiving... Woohooo!!!! I can't wait to see the family. AND to top it off, my parents are planning to come for a week in September.
Basically, today is awesome. I just had to write a little blurb about it.
Hope your day is as good as mine!
Was it a disaster or a success?
Since you've all been asking...here's the rest of it.
...and finally...it was a SUCCESS!!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Embracing Awkwardness- A Cooking Show For Your Entertainment
Ok, let's give this another try... This time I'll try to take myself seriously. Yeah right.
And here is a great example of a smooth transition.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
"Rachel's Cooking Dinner... In the Kitchen..."
The first take is always a little bit bumpy... right? Here's the birthday man... and the birthday man's... wife. ?
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