Fall is coming. You can smell it in the air, and the breeze is crisp and dry on your skin. Fall is my favorite season these days. Maybe that's because it's where we're headed, and I always love anticipation. Today has been blissfully simple and sweet. Macy-Beth and I have been in all day, and that's been just fine with me. I love being a wife and a mom. I love making home sweet. This week I made a marinara sauce from the tomatoes we harvested. We have a garden at a friend's house and got a bumper crop of tomatoes this year! I could eat them all day long.
Right now, the silence is golden. Macy-Beth is snoozing away, and I have the house all cleaned and nice. Dinner is prepped and ready to go, and I'm just sitting here looking out at the corn stocks on our patio and the cars driving by on the highway. It's a beautiful day.
The older I get, the more I realize that seasons happen in life. You can't begin them or stop them. Only God can decide. The only thing you can do is let go of control and enjoy exactly where you are placed. I think this is a little of what "faith like a child" is about. I have enjoyed so many seasons it seems. Some were hard to pass through at the time, but regardless of the difficulty, each season is littered with sweet memories. Even darkness is light to the Lord.
It truly is a blessed thing to spend life walking in submission to God. The Holy Spirit is a gift greater than most any other gift. He is wisdom and understanding. He helps. He comforts. He nurtures. The Holy Spirit is much like a mother. No one can soothe or nurture like a mother. All moms get this attribute from God.
Being a mom has quickened my senses and pricked my heart in terms of the gospel. To think that God loves Jesus, his son more than I love Macy-Beth, my daughter is unimaginable. Then to realize the fact all over again that He sacrificed him to the death so that He could adopt someone like me; someone who constantly overlooks Him and takes Him for granted. Someone who doubts and complains and never quite thanks Him enough for the gifts He has already lavished. The thought is breathtaking, heartbreaking even. Yet all of this to bring Him glory forever. He truly is worth an unmentionable amount of treasure.
So in this season of motherhood, this sweet, simple time I have been given, I will be thankful. I will trust that God will take care of what's next, and I will enjoy Him exactly where I am now.
"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise." -James 5:13
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Macy-Beth
Macy-Beth McKinney. Born June 7th, 2012 at 11:49 a.m. 6 lbs and 13 oz, 19.5 inches long.
Today she is 6 days old and my heart still jumps when I look at her. We are just under 30 minutes until her next feeding... they say "sleep when they do," and I would honestly love to, except my mind won't allow it. I have to write.
Looking at the tiny, downy soft head sleeping all snuggled up in her chair, I think to myself, "how did you even get here?" It brings me back down the paths of memories I have stored up over time the way we do in life. I remember falling head over heels in love with my husband and wondering what life had in store for us. Who could have told us our future? We have been blessed beyond all measure. The bumps and bruises along the way have shaped and molded us. We really try to choose to let our circumstances prove the faithfulness of God, and He has proved faithful without fail. I know He will continue His faithfulness in our parenting days. We really have no idea what we're doing.
The first night we brought Macy-Beth home, I had a melt down. I couldn't get her to latch on like she was doing in the hospital, and I was exhausted with a huge headache from an un-detected spinal fluid leak. In my hormonal, fatigued moment of crisis I honestly thought she would starve to death. The weight of responsibility came crashing down on me as I looked at her tiny, squirming body and all I could see was frailty. She screamed louder and harder, and eventually just fell asleep. By that time I had reached my limit and started bawling myself. David wrapped our little girl up in a bundle and put her in her bassinet. Then he crawled in bed and just held me while I sobbed into his chest. He let me cry it out and told me comforting things. He told me what a good job I'd been doing and how good of a mom I am. What a sweet time to remember. Even the worst times are sprinkled with sweet memories that I don't want to ever forget.
Sometimes when I look at my little girl I want to cry because I feel so un-equipped to teach her all the things she should know. Last night while I was holding her I whispered in her ears all kinds of things she never will remember hearing. I told her how much I love her and how much her Daddy loves her. I told her we want to do everything we can for her, but that we don't know what we're doing. I apologized for all the mistakes we will make. I told her that there is someone who loves her perfectly, unlike her very imperfect parents. I told her that He is someone who knows everything and that we are trusting Him to show us how to be good parents. I let her know that He brought her into this world for a special purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him. I told her his name- Jesus... that Jesus paid a special price just for her. I explained to her that she needs Him desperately, and that I hope she realizes this on her own someday. And then I told her that I can't wait to introduce her to Him.
My sweet Macy-Beth. She has changed my life forever.
Today she is 6 days old and my heart still jumps when I look at her. We are just under 30 minutes until her next feeding... they say "sleep when they do," and I would honestly love to, except my mind won't allow it. I have to write.
Looking at the tiny, downy soft head sleeping all snuggled up in her chair, I think to myself, "how did you even get here?" It brings me back down the paths of memories I have stored up over time the way we do in life. I remember falling head over heels in love with my husband and wondering what life had in store for us. Who could have told us our future? We have been blessed beyond all measure. The bumps and bruises along the way have shaped and molded us. We really try to choose to let our circumstances prove the faithfulness of God, and He has proved faithful without fail. I know He will continue His faithfulness in our parenting days. We really have no idea what we're doing.
The first night we brought Macy-Beth home, I had a melt down. I couldn't get her to latch on like she was doing in the hospital, and I was exhausted with a huge headache from an un-detected spinal fluid leak. In my hormonal, fatigued moment of crisis I honestly thought she would starve to death. The weight of responsibility came crashing down on me as I looked at her tiny, squirming body and all I could see was frailty. She screamed louder and harder, and eventually just fell asleep. By that time I had reached my limit and started bawling myself. David wrapped our little girl up in a bundle and put her in her bassinet. Then he crawled in bed and just held me while I sobbed into his chest. He let me cry it out and told me comforting things. He told me what a good job I'd been doing and how good of a mom I am. What a sweet time to remember. Even the worst times are sprinkled with sweet memories that I don't want to ever forget.
Sometimes when I look at my little girl I want to cry because I feel so un-equipped to teach her all the things she should know. Last night while I was holding her I whispered in her ears all kinds of things she never will remember hearing. I told her how much I love her and how much her Daddy loves her. I told her we want to do everything we can for her, but that we don't know what we're doing. I apologized for all the mistakes we will make. I told her that there is someone who loves her perfectly, unlike her very imperfect parents. I told her that He is someone who knows everything and that we are trusting Him to show us how to be good parents. I let her know that He brought her into this world for a special purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him. I told her his name- Jesus... that Jesus paid a special price just for her. I explained to her that she needs Him desperately, and that I hope she realizes this on her own someday. And then I told her that I can't wait to introduce her to Him.
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Fight
Here we go... early morning again. I keep waking up with anxiety in all shapes. I helped facilitate a college girl's retreat this weekend that was called "UNVEILED." We unveiled the truth about lies Satan tells us and equipped ourselves with the way to combat them, Scripture being the main weapon of defense. Funny how attacked I feel after such a powerful weekend... God must have moved because I can feel the enemy pressing in all around me.
In the heart of "ministry," whatever that vague word means, I feel ragged and worn. I am weighed down when I think about the many girls I have encountered who have been abandoned and abused. I feel helpless when it comes to offering the cup of cold water I so desperately want to give, because sometimes I honestly just don't know what they need. I know they need Jesus. It is so crushingly clear to me that I am not the Healer- He is. But how can I deliver Him to them? How can I lift up their weary heads, or open their blind eyes to behold the only saving hope they have? Some need professional counseling beyond what I am capable of offering. What happens if they never go? I see answers to problems, and I ache to fix them, but I cannot be the decision maker either.
A wave of hopelessness crashes down, and the lies with it. Oppression. Why did he choose me for this? I feel so inadequate and empty. I keep trying to hold all the pieces together in my short arms, but the pieces seem to tumble everywhere. The problem is, the pieces aren't just objects, they are people. And all of them already broken in some way. I just don't want to bruise them further. Oh yes. It is so crushingly clear that I am not the healer.
And then there is me... I am just so messed up myself. Craving acceptance. Wanting to find worth in that. Apathetic. Insecure about dumb things. I drag myself to His Word. I must find clarity and truth. I must battle through these lies.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calameties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10
"...that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:10-14
"He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul." -Psalm 23:2
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23
"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.'" -John 4:10
Tetelestai- It is finished. The picture is complete. The battle has been won. I am among the broken being healed. I am not supposed to carry the weight alone. He has done it. For me. For the girls. For all the broken, hurting, and captured. Tetelestai.
In the heart of "ministry," whatever that vague word means, I feel ragged and worn. I am weighed down when I think about the many girls I have encountered who have been abandoned and abused. I feel helpless when it comes to offering the cup of cold water I so desperately want to give, because sometimes I honestly just don't know what they need. I know they need Jesus. It is so crushingly clear to me that I am not the Healer- He is. But how can I deliver Him to them? How can I lift up their weary heads, or open their blind eyes to behold the only saving hope they have? Some need professional counseling beyond what I am capable of offering. What happens if they never go? I see answers to problems, and I ache to fix them, but I cannot be the decision maker either.
A wave of hopelessness crashes down, and the lies with it. Oppression. Why did he choose me for this? I feel so inadequate and empty. I keep trying to hold all the pieces together in my short arms, but the pieces seem to tumble everywhere. The problem is, the pieces aren't just objects, they are people. And all of them already broken in some way. I just don't want to bruise them further. Oh yes. It is so crushingly clear that I am not the healer.
And then there is me... I am just so messed up myself. Craving acceptance. Wanting to find worth in that. Apathetic. Insecure about dumb things. I drag myself to His Word. I must find clarity and truth. I must battle through these lies.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calameties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10
"...that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:10-14
"He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul." -Psalm 23:2
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23
"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.'" -John 4:10
Tetelestai- It is finished. The picture is complete. The battle has been won. I am among the broken being healed. I am not supposed to carry the weight alone. He has done it. For me. For the girls. For all the broken, hurting, and captured. Tetelestai.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Scarlett O'Hara and My Crazy Interconnected Brain
If I were to write a book, I would have to get up before 5 every morning. Seriously, the best time to formulate uncluttered thoughts for me happens in a very small window, and that window is just so early.
On that note, over the past two days, David and I watched "Gone With the Wind" for the first time. It was so interesting to watch it as an adult (I've watched bits and pieces as a young girl, but never could keep myself focused long enough to even remember the plot as an adult). For one thing, so many quotes I know come from that movie! It's crazy. Countless girls and women have the quote "You should be kissed, and kissed often by someone who knows how," glittering their Facebook pages, and who knew! It's in "Gone With the Wind." (I guess I should have).
So, there we were, sitting on our couch with melting chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven dripping on our hands (we ate them for the entire four hours... not really, but we wanted to), watching in horror as the plot unfolded. We had no idea the movie would do such a riveting job of displaying the depth of human character. I suppose that's the main reason the movie is so famous. The whole time I was watching, I was angry. Angry with the deception and the hypocrisy of Scarlett, and angry with the weakness and denial of Ashley. Mostly I was angry with the selfishness of both characters as the destruction in their lives mounted. I seriously had to remind myself it was a movie.
Basically, what I am saying, whether I want to admit it or not, was that I was hooked. You don't have to fall in love with something to be captured by it, and that was just my plight. I think the main thing that made me uncomfortable is that I saw myself in all those ways. I know that the heart is deceitfully wicked, and that if anyone decides to be honest... truly honest with themselves about the reasons they do things, the negative characteristics I mentioned that seem to consume these fictional characters apply very directly to us all. We are all deeply flawed, but who wants to be reminded of that? No one. Especially not me last night. It's so strange that a movie could make you wrestle with real things, but God works in many ways, so there I was wrestling. I was wrestling with self-righteousness, mainly. It felt so good to watch a movie like that and think, "Thank God I'm not that screwed up." Well, guess what? But for God's grace and His blood payment, I am entirely that screwed up!!! Feels good to get that off your chest, right?! As long as there's hope for something else. No one wants to come to the realization that they are infinitely more jacked than they ever realized without having some semblance of hope placed in front of them.
And seriously... THANKS BE TO THE GOD WHO SAVES!!! He knows our plight, and He graciously accepted us as we are before paying the price for all of our failures. But He didn't only pay the price for us so we could keep on living in this horrible nightmare of self-consumed living! He paid so we could become a new people. THIS, my friend is the power of Christ's blood! He loved us before we loved Him. Wow... it really does just blow my mind. So this is the weird outcome of my thoughts from watching a movie about southern belle's and the Civil War. A little over-dramatic to be sure, but hey, at least I've come to terms with being that way. It's not soon to be changed I'm sure. :)
On that note, over the past two days, David and I watched "Gone With the Wind" for the first time. It was so interesting to watch it as an adult (I've watched bits and pieces as a young girl, but never could keep myself focused long enough to even remember the plot as an adult). For one thing, so many quotes I know come from that movie! It's crazy. Countless girls and women have the quote "You should be kissed, and kissed often by someone who knows how," glittering their Facebook pages, and who knew! It's in "Gone With the Wind." (I guess I should have).
So, there we were, sitting on our couch with melting chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven dripping on our hands (we ate them for the entire four hours... not really, but we wanted to), watching in horror as the plot unfolded. We had no idea the movie would do such a riveting job of displaying the depth of human character. I suppose that's the main reason the movie is so famous. The whole time I was watching, I was angry. Angry with the deception and the hypocrisy of Scarlett, and angry with the weakness and denial of Ashley. Mostly I was angry with the selfishness of both characters as the destruction in their lives mounted. I seriously had to remind myself it was a movie.
Basically, what I am saying, whether I want to admit it or not, was that I was hooked. You don't have to fall in love with something to be captured by it, and that was just my plight. I think the main thing that made me uncomfortable is that I saw myself in all those ways. I know that the heart is deceitfully wicked, and that if anyone decides to be honest... truly honest with themselves about the reasons they do things, the negative characteristics I mentioned that seem to consume these fictional characters apply very directly to us all. We are all deeply flawed, but who wants to be reminded of that? No one. Especially not me last night. It's so strange that a movie could make you wrestle with real things, but God works in many ways, so there I was wrestling. I was wrestling with self-righteousness, mainly. It felt so good to watch a movie like that and think, "Thank God I'm not that screwed up." Well, guess what? But for God's grace and His blood payment, I am entirely that screwed up!!! Feels good to get that off your chest, right?! As long as there's hope for something else. No one wants to come to the realization that they are infinitely more jacked than they ever realized without having some semblance of hope placed in front of them.
And seriously... THANKS BE TO THE GOD WHO SAVES!!! He knows our plight, and He graciously accepted us as we are before paying the price for all of our failures. But He didn't only pay the price for us so we could keep on living in this horrible nightmare of self-consumed living! He paid so we could become a new people. THIS, my friend is the power of Christ's blood! He loved us before we loved Him. Wow... it really does just blow my mind. So this is the weird outcome of my thoughts from watching a movie about southern belle's and the Civil War. A little over-dramatic to be sure, but hey, at least I've come to terms with being that way. It's not soon to be changed I'm sure. :)
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Overdue
Yes... I am finally updating my blog. And there are pictures!!! This truly is a momentous occasion. Before I go on to quickly summarize my ever changing life I will just say that there have been reasons I have left my blog in such a dilapidated state. The first has been my computer... my poor old computer which basically needs an overhaul (I am currently typing away on David's million-times-nicer one). My second reason has been that in all vulnerable honesty... I have been in the pits. Seriously. The pits aren't always bad though, and sometimes they even mean amazing things. For example the reason I have been on such low swings emotionally and have battled fatigue, nausea, headaches, backaches, and have felt well, just plain nasty is because...
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!! I know, I know, we announced this basically forever ago, but given the circumstances of feeling so gross I didn't really have the energy to type about it. Call me lazy. We literally could not be happier. David and I have both looked forward to parenthood for most of our lives and the sheer fact that the Lord has entrusted us with something so special and costly is quite baffling. It is still sinking in (though I'm almost half-way to my delivery date!) that there is indeed a tiny little person dwelling within me, ready to make his or her debut this summer. I can barely wait that long to meet this little one. I want to scoop up my little son or my little daughter close in my arms. I can barely wait to see fingers and toes and to feel the soft downy skin of my firstborn child.
So in honor of this phenomenon, this miracle of life that is taking place even now, the first picture in this post will be the first picture we ever saw of this precious little baby:
So that is a tiny update of my last few months. I still need to post pictures of our anniversary trip that we took, but I'll save that for another post. Right now I'm enjoying a nice quiet evening with my best friend. :)
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!! I know, I know, we announced this basically forever ago, but given the circumstances of feeling so gross I didn't really have the energy to type about it. Call me lazy. We literally could not be happier. David and I have both looked forward to parenthood for most of our lives and the sheer fact that the Lord has entrusted us with something so special and costly is quite baffling. It is still sinking in (though I'm almost half-way to my delivery date!) that there is indeed a tiny little person dwelling within me, ready to make his or her debut this summer. I can barely wait that long to meet this little one. I want to scoop up my little son or my little daughter close in my arms. I can barely wait to see fingers and toes and to feel the soft downy skin of my firstborn child.
So in honor of this phenomenon, this miracle of life that is taking place even now, the first picture in this post will be the first picture we ever saw of this precious little baby:
What a cutie, right?!?
And here are a few pictures of my swelling tummy:
13 Weeks
15 Weeks
16 Weeks
18 Weeks
So that is a tiny update of my last few months. I still need to post pictures of our anniversary trip that we took, but I'll save that for another post. Right now I'm enjoying a nice quiet evening with my best friend. :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
"Pure Religion Is This"
It's a cold winter day and I have soup on the stove simmering. I'm in the mood for baking, but my heart is thoughtful and I haven't updated my blog for a while, so here I am... updating.
This morning's bible study was mainly about adoption and foster care. I was reminded that as a follower of Christ, I am not called to live a life of perfect peace and tranquility. I am called to enter the mess of the unfortunate and the vulnerable. I am called to visit them in their time of need... to offer them the nourishment that I have so liberally received. And believe me... there are messes to be entered. Right now the shelter for foster children in our community is completely full. There are hundreds of children abandoned to this kind of a life in my very own city. In the world there are millions. I was overwhelmed by the need this morning, and today I am asking God, "what do I do?" I need to take action, but what action does He want me to take now? Volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center? What is He calling me to do in the future? Foster a child? Adopt? Maybe. I am coming to a place where I hurt enough over people's needs to make some sacrifices. I am ready for God to speak to David and to me about His plan for us to defend the vulnerable.
It's a beautiful thing to have your heart broken. I want to allow pain to transform me. I want to allow the needs of others around me to permeate my thoughts and to burden me to the point of action. I have never really wanted this before. It's not natural. I have always wanted to be happy and peaceful and to have the lines of my life drawn in such a way that no color escapes the right places. Life on this earth just wasn't meant to look that way. I'm coming to see that. It's awkward. How do you deliberately color outside the lines? How do you embrace a feeling you have spent your life learning how to flee? Heartache. Suffering. How can I learn to embrace them as gifts?
I don't know.
I know I'll find out if I continue this following with everything I've got. I am counting the cost and my heart is stepping forward. May my actions follow swiftly behind.
This morning's bible study was mainly about adoption and foster care. I was reminded that as a follower of Christ, I am not called to live a life of perfect peace and tranquility. I am called to enter the mess of the unfortunate and the vulnerable. I am called to visit them in their time of need... to offer them the nourishment that I have so liberally received. And believe me... there are messes to be entered. Right now the shelter for foster children in our community is completely full. There are hundreds of children abandoned to this kind of a life in my very own city. In the world there are millions. I was overwhelmed by the need this morning, and today I am asking God, "what do I do?" I need to take action, but what action does He want me to take now? Volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center? What is He calling me to do in the future? Foster a child? Adopt? Maybe. I am coming to a place where I hurt enough over people's needs to make some sacrifices. I am ready for God to speak to David and to me about His plan for us to defend the vulnerable.
It's a beautiful thing to have your heart broken. I want to allow pain to transform me. I want to allow the needs of others around me to permeate my thoughts and to burden me to the point of action. I have never really wanted this before. It's not natural. I have always wanted to be happy and peaceful and to have the lines of my life drawn in such a way that no color escapes the right places. Life on this earth just wasn't meant to look that way. I'm coming to see that. It's awkward. How do you deliberately color outside the lines? How do you embrace a feeling you have spent your life learning how to flee? Heartache. Suffering. How can I learn to embrace them as gifts?
I don't know.
I know I'll find out if I continue this following with everything I've got. I am counting the cost and my heart is stepping forward. May my actions follow swiftly behind.
Monday, November 7, 2011
5:00 a.m. Thoughts
It's a little after 5 and I woke up about an hour ago. On most occasions I would be quite put out about being in any way conscious at a time like this, but wakefulness came in a gentle way this morning. The rain is steadily pouring over everything outside, and I am warm and cozy inside- the best feeling when you hear that soothing sound of rain. David is sleeping peacefully in the other room. I left the bed when I woke up so I wouldn't wake him, because he is a hibernating bear when he's sleeping; you don't want to mess with a hibernating bear... trust me. Besides, he needs his sleep. Yesterday was a long day for him, leading four services in worship at Cross Church.
I woke this morning with a sense of ache over time- the beautiful ache that comes when you remember the good things about your life. So many times I wish I've recorded more of it, but sometimes you get too busy living life to take time to ponder it and record the special things.
I remember starting to notice David for the first time as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. How could a girl in her right mind not fall in love with him? I loved everything about him, and the more I got to know, the more I loved. Love sneaks up on you sometimes. I loved his boyish grin and his eccentric shirts. I loved his bouncing gait and his attention deficit in a crowd. I loved the freckles on his face, and the red birthmark that always made it look like his pink-lipstick-adorned grandma kissed him on the cheek. And I loved to watch him with people, treating them as though they meant something and that they were important to him. I felt I understood him, and he seemed to understand me, but not in a forceful or assuming way, for there is always more to discover about a person. We discovered love together without trying, and it felt like fireworks.
The engagement and the wedding followed shortly, and we were off!! Building a life in a tiny gray house we bought with a black mailbox and black numbers stuck to it's siding. "4926" - our first address. We had the time of our lives in that little house. I personally didn't think I would ever want to live in anything bigger. I was so happy there, and it felt like that season would last forever. We built a snowman and had designated hot chocolate nights (alright... hot chocolate night was almost every night for a while). We had no television, so we would curl up in bed and watch Netflix movies on his computer (with our hot chocolate). I baked muffins, and cookies, and pies, and tried my hand out at new dinners. My favorite thing was to have the house shining clean, candles and music flickering, and dinner in the works when David got home from work. He loved it, always making a huge fuss about how great my dinner was, or how beautiful the house looked. We went hunting and fishing together (I mostly napped), and enjoyed our first family vacation with his family at Myrtle Beach, then with my family in Kennebunkport, ME. We shared Christmas Day at our own house, and swapped visiting our families between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Being a newlywed seemed to last for so long, and sometimes I feel like we're still there. Life does bring changes, though, and changes in life bring change your relationship. In May of this year we were called to Fayetteville, Arkansas where David would pastor the college students at Cross Church. We moved in June. I had never so quickly gone through so many changes in life before. We moved 15 hours away from our little gray house in a matter of 2 weeks, leaving family and friends scattered up and down the east coast in order to obey the call we knew was placed in both of us... Reach Northwest Arkansas college students with the gospel of Jesus Christ and make disciples among them, teaching them what walking with Christ means. David became so much more than a perfect playmate- we became partners in a mission assigned by God. The changes have been difficult at times. Packing everything you own and moving half-way across the country to start a ministry from scratch is not something you want to do every day. The stresses could have worn us down, but our relationship stands on a firm foundation. Through all of these changes I have not lost the love and the deep affection I have for that boyish grin. I still love all those things that I loved back then, but I love them differently now... not with fireworks, but in a slow steady way that happens every day.
There have been times in my marriage, just as in the other parts of my life, when I have felt identity crisis. I clearly remember mourning over the loss of my maiden name... I didn't realize how much giving up a name meant. It really is a symbol of what marriage is... self sacrifice. Of course, in a healthy marriage the self sacrifice is mirrored on both sides, making it a lighter burden, but a burden it remains, and love requires it. It requires you to put self further down and look to the needs and wants of someone other than you. It is not for the self-consumed, and it does not always pay back in full- not when you are married to a human. This is not the bitter ranting of an angry housewife. These are true words, spoken with realistic expectations.
I know God understands this truth all too well, having set the example for us in Himself. He experienced human love on a real level in the person of Jesus, and also experiences to this very day the pain it causes, having loved much with nary a returned glance from some. He experienced the ultimate sacrifice in identity. Philippians 2:5-8 sheds a beautiful light on the kind of sacrifice He made on our behalf:
"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross."
If Jesus Christ, who is God can give up his privileges as God to take on the identity of a slave and a criminal, I think I (imperfect and in need of much grace) can give up my identity as an independent woman, successful in the world's eyes if I am called to it. And I am called to it. I find joy in sacrificing myself to serve David and to serve WITH David in ministry regardless of David's ability to make it worth it. I find joy in all of this because I am filled up past the measure of fullness by the love of Christ. His love compels me.
The rain is still pattering and it's now getting close to 7. Ha! Where does time go? I think I'll have some breakfast.
I woke this morning with a sense of ache over time- the beautiful ache that comes when you remember the good things about your life. So many times I wish I've recorded more of it, but sometimes you get too busy living life to take time to ponder it and record the special things.
I remember starting to notice David for the first time as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. How could a girl in her right mind not fall in love with him? I loved everything about him, and the more I got to know, the more I loved. Love sneaks up on you sometimes. I loved his boyish grin and his eccentric shirts. I loved his bouncing gait and his attention deficit in a crowd. I loved the freckles on his face, and the red birthmark that always made it look like his pink-lipstick-adorned grandma kissed him on the cheek. And I loved to watch him with people, treating them as though they meant something and that they were important to him. I felt I understood him, and he seemed to understand me, but not in a forceful or assuming way, for there is always more to discover about a person. We discovered love together without trying, and it felt like fireworks.
The engagement and the wedding followed shortly, and we were off!! Building a life in a tiny gray house we bought with a black mailbox and black numbers stuck to it's siding. "4926" - our first address. We had the time of our lives in that little house. I personally didn't think I would ever want to live in anything bigger. I was so happy there, and it felt like that season would last forever. We built a snowman and had designated hot chocolate nights (alright... hot chocolate night was almost every night for a while). We had no television, so we would curl up in bed and watch Netflix movies on his computer (with our hot chocolate). I baked muffins, and cookies, and pies, and tried my hand out at new dinners. My favorite thing was to have the house shining clean, candles and music flickering, and dinner in the works when David got home from work. He loved it, always making a huge fuss about how great my dinner was, or how beautiful the house looked. We went hunting and fishing together (I mostly napped), and enjoyed our first family vacation with his family at Myrtle Beach, then with my family in Kennebunkport, ME. We shared Christmas Day at our own house, and swapped visiting our families between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Being a newlywed seemed to last for so long, and sometimes I feel like we're still there. Life does bring changes, though, and changes in life bring change your relationship. In May of this year we were called to Fayetteville, Arkansas where David would pastor the college students at Cross Church. We moved in June. I had never so quickly gone through so many changes in life before. We moved 15 hours away from our little gray house in a matter of 2 weeks, leaving family and friends scattered up and down the east coast in order to obey the call we knew was placed in both of us... Reach Northwest Arkansas college students with the gospel of Jesus Christ and make disciples among them, teaching them what walking with Christ means. David became so much more than a perfect playmate- we became partners in a mission assigned by God. The changes have been difficult at times. Packing everything you own and moving half-way across the country to start a ministry from scratch is not something you want to do every day. The stresses could have worn us down, but our relationship stands on a firm foundation. Through all of these changes I have not lost the love and the deep affection I have for that boyish grin. I still love all those things that I loved back then, but I love them differently now... not with fireworks, but in a slow steady way that happens every day.
There have been times in my marriage, just as in the other parts of my life, when I have felt identity crisis. I clearly remember mourning over the loss of my maiden name... I didn't realize how much giving up a name meant. It really is a symbol of what marriage is... self sacrifice. Of course, in a healthy marriage the self sacrifice is mirrored on both sides, making it a lighter burden, but a burden it remains, and love requires it. It requires you to put self further down and look to the needs and wants of someone other than you. It is not for the self-consumed, and it does not always pay back in full- not when you are married to a human. This is not the bitter ranting of an angry housewife. These are true words, spoken with realistic expectations.
I know God understands this truth all too well, having set the example for us in Himself. He experienced human love on a real level in the person of Jesus, and also experiences to this very day the pain it causes, having loved much with nary a returned glance from some. He experienced the ultimate sacrifice in identity. Philippians 2:5-8 sheds a beautiful light on the kind of sacrifice He made on our behalf:
"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross."
If Jesus Christ, who is God can give up his privileges as God to take on the identity of a slave and a criminal, I think I (imperfect and in need of much grace) can give up my identity as an independent woman, successful in the world's eyes if I am called to it. And I am called to it. I find joy in sacrificing myself to serve David and to serve WITH David in ministry regardless of David's ability to make it worth it. I find joy in all of this because I am filled up past the measure of fullness by the love of Christ. His love compels me.
The rain is still pattering and it's now getting close to 7. Ha! Where does time go? I think I'll have some breakfast.
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