Today she is 6 days old and my heart still jumps when I look at her. We are just under 30 minutes until her next feeding... they say "sleep when they do," and I would honestly love to, except my mind won't allow it. I have to write.
Looking at the tiny, downy soft head sleeping all snuggled up in her chair, I think to myself, "how did you even get here?" It brings me back down the paths of memories I have stored up over time the way we do in life. I remember falling head over heels in love with my husband and wondering what life had in store for us. Who could have told us our future? We have been blessed beyond all measure. The bumps and bruises along the way have shaped and molded us. We really try to choose to let our circumstances prove the faithfulness of God, and He has proved faithful without fail. I know He will continue His faithfulness in our parenting days. We really have no idea what we're doing.
The first night we brought Macy-Beth home, I had a melt down. I couldn't get her to latch on like she was doing in the hospital, and I was exhausted with a huge headache from an un-detected spinal fluid leak. In my hormonal, fatigued moment of crisis I honestly thought she would starve to death. The weight of responsibility came crashing down on me as I looked at her tiny, squirming body and all I could see was frailty. She screamed louder and harder, and eventually just fell asleep. By that time I had reached my limit and started bawling myself. David wrapped our little girl up in a bundle and put her in her bassinet. Then he crawled in bed and just held me while I sobbed into his chest. He let me cry it out and told me comforting things. He told me what a good job I'd been doing and how good of a mom I am. What a sweet time to remember. Even the worst times are sprinkled with sweet memories that I don't want to ever forget.
Sometimes when I look at my little girl I want to cry because I feel so un-equipped to teach her all the things she should know. Last night while I was holding her I whispered in her ears all kinds of things she never will remember hearing. I told her how much I love her and how much her Daddy loves her. I told her we want to do everything we can for her, but that we don't know what we're doing. I apologized for all the mistakes we will make. I told her that there is someone who loves her perfectly, unlike her very imperfect parents. I told her that He is someone who knows everything and that we are trusting Him to show us how to be good parents. I let her know that He brought her into this world for a special purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him. I told her his name- Jesus... that Jesus paid a special price just for her. I explained to her that she needs Him desperately, and that I hope she realizes this on her own someday. And then I told her that I can't wait to introduce her to Him.
