Monday, June 3, 2013


It's late and I am tired. I am lying here in my bed, keys clicking, while my sweet husband faces the wall patiently so that I can write. I am writing because I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep because there are so many things on my mind.

I am praying. I am praying for family. I feel so acutely aware of some of their situations right now. It's like a window has been opened suddenly and I am looking through. When I was four my grandmother had an aneurism in her brain. She should never have lived, but she did, and for twenty two years my aunts have taken care of everything for her. They have fed her, bathed her, given her meds, taken her off meds, changed her, watched her diet, changed her diet, taken her to thousands of doctor appointments, lost countless hours of sleep- they have lived and breathed all of her needs for over two decades.

I was only four. When you are young and something drastic happens, you slowly forget, and over time, things become normal. At least that is what happened for me. It has been that way for me since I can remember, my grandmother being taken care of and my aunts doing the caring. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight for some reason or another, what that must take... the kind of sacrifice involved. The kind of will power to put what you want in life aside for the sake of someone you love. And I'm thinking, "would I do it?" I hope so. It has meant so much, seeing it all play out. Even though I never really realized it at the time, looking at it now, it all means so much, the things they do and the life they lead. It literally squeezes tears out of my eyes and makes my heart ache with thankfulness.

I can so closely relate my aunts' sacrifice to another one that has been made on my behalf. I am the needy one, and the caregiver is Jesus. He made the ultimate sacrifice. He lived his life not to be served, but to serve. He did not have to come. He could have passed us off and let us die. But He did come, and he gave everything so that we could have life, and he did it from a perfect heart. No home, rejected, accused, betrayed, disbelieved, spat upon, beaten, cursed, and eventually killed. The tears are really coming now. The hope is palpable. Where my aunts could only provide a temporary life, fraught with health issues and pain (and they have done the best job possible... it's amazing really), Jesus provided abundant, eternal life. He satisfies every need in life. The life He gives starts here in the shadowland, where pain is ever present, but it goes on forever. It begins in pain, but it ends in endless euphoria. I know it does. I believe in the power of Jesus Christ to save. I trust him with my life. I trust Him with my family's life.

All these things are running through my mind tonight. It makes me miss my family. It makes me sad that I don't live closer. But it gives me hope for a better future where pain doesn't exist at all, and where every heartache is healed.

Jesus said: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."     -John 14:6

I suppose the verses below sum up what I feel right now.

Romans 8:18-30

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.