Lately I have been in an all-out battle with fiery darts from the enemy concerning the goodness of God. I wake up. I thank God for David and Macy-Beth and for the roof over our heads. I take care of the cozy home He has blessed us with. I keep thanking Him and I try to listen too. I ask Him to help me understand His Word in the Scriptures. I need to spend more time reading them so I can defend myself against these lies, though. I feel bad about that and I tell him. I ask Him to provide what we need for the day, and I try to believe He will. Mostly I worry about the days after today though. I feel bad about that too and I tell him. I spend time with Macy-Beth and start to prepare for my day and the things in it. I fight worry. I stuff down doubt. I war against the lie that I am teetering on the edge of God's good graces, and that someday I'm going to do something bad enough to screw it up.
What would become of me if God's good graces depended upon me? Holy crap. I'd die. No... like literally, I would just become a pile of mush. Shame would eat me up and everything. The thought makes me shudder. I know more about myself than you do. I know more than the actions I take every day. What I do looks pretty good I think. But I know the why. I know the reason I do the things I do. Mostly it's to make myself look better than I am. I desperately want people to think I am at least pretty good. Thank God he knew all of this long before I did. I remind myself he has it covered; to breathe deep. So I do. Did I use that semi-colon correctly? I always get confused about the semi-colon.
So I breathe deep. I re-collect myself, no, I spill myself out in the presence of an infinitely good God. I remind myself of his promises. I tell myself that it's ok that I'm not good, that I can never become goodness itself. Only God is good. The rest of us are depending on that.
Last night Macy-Beth was playing in her bouncy seat, and David and I were just watching her. I was pouring out my thoughts about the lies I have been fighting on the goodness of God. David, never taking his eyes from our beautiful daughter asked me, "You never thought you could love anyone so much, did you?" I stared at her with so much love it hurt and said, "Never." He kept talking, "...and would you ever want any harm to come to her?" I shook my head even though he wasn't looking. I moved and sat closer to him and he put his arm around my shoulders. We just sat there looking at this tiny cooing creature who we love so much it hurts. "It doesn't even come close." It was all I needed to hear. My eyes filled up and I succumbed to the emotions that were welling up too strong for me to stifle.
It doesn't even come close. My love for her is nothing compared to God's love for me. It leaves me speechless.
"You parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." - Matthew 7:9-11