Motherhood

I am a mom.

It hit me like a ton of bricks today as I struggled to keep up with my laundry and dishes, simultaneously taking care of my sick husband and my sick 10 1/2 month old.

I'm really only writing for some kind of mental break right now, so if you're not a blog fanatic and you get bored reading about an average life, you should probably just stop reading this.

Despite my seemingly bleak introduction, it really has not been a bad day.

God has revealed to me over the past several weeks that I am engrained with a complaining spirit. I see it most clearly when it rubs off on David, and yes, even a baby who can't talk somehow picks up my negativity when it rears its ugly head.

At first I was offended.

"Obviously, I complain... look at how many inconveniences I suffer through. Look at all the work I do that no one sees. I HAVE to talk about it to get the necessary affirmation."

Next the shame hit, but only for a minute.

God has also been freeing me from years and years of built up guilt over being a human. I saw a glimpse of my heart's true intent underneath all the layers of pretense I so carefully weave together to cover my naked desires, the desires that seek to lift myself up, make myself look better, and get as much as I possibly can from everyone else. You know... those desires. So I was ashamed.

Finally, the true repenting feelings came. The ones that bring me to my knees in desperation, but not in hopelessness. I confessed. I thanked God for showing me yet another layer of the sin that He already paid for. I thanked Him for the freedom that comes through that payment and also for the Holy Spirit who helps teach and guide me. I told him I didn't know how to change, or even want to really.

I asked God to change me.

Today could have been a hard day. It could have been one where I add up the lists of things I do and hold it against the world, saying, "SEE ME STRIVE!" But God quieted my heart. He actually made me able to enjoy caring for my sick family, cleaning my dirty house, and having hours of no conversation. He did it, not me.

So here I sit at coffee by myself, processing this hectic day, and I am peaceful. I feel refreshed and made new. Praise God for transforming every day ordinary life into moments of worship. Praise God for being everything I need.

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2

Honestly

Lately I have been incredibly emotional. It bothers me, because I have grown to look at emotionalism as weakness, and have attempted to dull my feelings, or at least the expression of my feelings. Children express every emotion freely. Sophisticated adults contain themselves properly.

So I've tried.

Generally, I succeed when I'm with most people. It's David who sees the worst, and I even feel ashamed to allow him to view the raw parts of my heart. I don't believe this is "right," its just that this is where I'm at if I'm honest.

I feel very angry frequently. Angry, misunderstood, and lonely. The anger isn't directed at anyone specifically, but it lands on David the most. This grieves me. I think I struggle... well I know I do, with doing.  

I don't do because I am called or compelled by something greater than myself. I do to impress and to earn. So I do and do, and when it seems no one is impressed and I seem to receive nothing, I become angry. 

There is a story in the Bible about two women named Mary and Martha. Jesus visited them at their house, and they were sisters. Mary was so overwhelmed and wrapped up in Jesus, that she forsook all her responsibilities to sit at his feet and listen to him. Martha was indignant. She scurried around the house doing. She was probably even doing some things that Mary ought to have been doing. She worked and worked for recognition, but she was ignored, and no one even seemed to notice the things that were getting done. Finally, she burst out in anger to Jesus: 

"Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all of the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" (Luke 10:40b)

Jesus' response is unexpected: " 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.' " 

I so envy Mary in this story. She had no guilt in sitting still. Martha was self-righteous, proud, indignant, and exhausted. I get it. That is literally who I am most of the time. But today, I am listening to the gentle rebuke of my Heavenly Father. I am listening to his beckoning to come and rest. 

Acting on the call to obediently rest in Him is more important than what other people think of me. 

"Holy Spirit, beautiful Helper of my ragged soul, enable me to grasp Jesus' insructions and to act on them immediately in obedience. Teach my soul to rest in You. Then, and only then will I have something to offer other people."