So I've tried.
Generally, I succeed when I'm with most people. It's David who sees the worst, and I even feel ashamed to allow him to view the raw parts of my heart. I don't believe this is "right," its just that this is where I'm at if I'm honest.
I feel very angry frequently. Angry, misunderstood, and lonely. The anger isn't directed at anyone specifically, but it lands on David the most. This grieves me. I think I struggle... well I know I do, with doing.
I don't do because I am called or compelled by something greater than myself. I do to impress and to earn. So I do and do, and when it seems no one is impressed and I seem to receive nothing, I become angry.
There is a story in the Bible about two women named Mary and Martha. Jesus visited them at their house, and they were sisters. Mary was so overwhelmed and wrapped up in Jesus, that she forsook all her responsibilities to sit at his feet and listen to him. Martha was indignant. She scurried around the house doing. She was probably even doing some things that Mary ought to have been doing. She worked and worked for recognition, but she was ignored, and no one even seemed to notice the things that were getting done. Finally, she burst out in anger to Jesus:
"Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all of the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" (Luke 10:40b)
Jesus' response is unexpected: " 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.' "
I so envy Mary in this story. She had no guilt in sitting still. Martha was self-righteous, proud, indignant, and exhausted. I get it. That is literally who I am most of the time. But today, I am listening to the gentle rebuke of my Heavenly Father. I am listening to his beckoning to come and rest.
Acting on the call to obediently rest in Him is more important than what other people think of me.
"Holy Spirit, beautiful Helper of my ragged soul, enable me to grasp Jesus' insructions and to act on them immediately in obedience. Teach my soul to rest in You. Then, and only then will I have something to offer other people."
Rachel - I am so glad that you shared this. It is actually your David who helped me to get to a place where I was able to just sit and enjoy. I am definitely a do-er and wanted to go and do the work that other teams were doing in Brasil when my team was finished and he and Chris simply said to me, why do you feel like you need to go? They are all capable of completing their tasks and yours is to rest when you're able to rest. I wish I couldshare a magic formula and say that now 5 years later I don't still struggle with it but it's definitely gotten easier. Mostly through the Lord reminding me that there is no inherent holiness in business and it usually causes the greatest sacrifice of my marriage and my home when I run myself ragged this way. I will join you in your prayer, for myself, for you and for all the other women not brave enough or who the Lord has not yet broken about this!
ReplyDeleteTHank you so much for sharing. ALthough I am not a newlywed, nor even married or engaged, I feel like I am in the exact same place you are emotionally. I hide my feelings and suppress them until all of the sudden I just blow. Its horrible, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel alone, and isolated from everyone.
ReplyDeleteSweet, Rachel. Thank you for sharing. I can COMPLETELY empathize with this, and while I am not glad that you are struggling with it, I am so thankful and encouraged to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you for being honest. I love you and miss you! -Haley
ReplyDeleteI love you, kindred spirit. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI love you sweet friend! Your a blessing to all that know you my dear! Thank you for being honest and allowing many of us to know we are not alone in the struggles and that we "Acting on the call to obediently rest in Him is more important than what other people think of me." (Very Well said my dear). Keep being you!
ReplyDelete