It hit me like a ton of bricks today as I struggled to keep up with my laundry and dishes, simultaneously taking care of my sick husband and my sick 10 1/2 month old.
I'm really only writing for some kind of mental break right now, so if you're not a blog fanatic and you get bored reading about an average life, you should probably just stop reading this.
Despite my seemingly bleak introduction, it really has not been a bad day.
God has revealed to me over the past several weeks that I am engrained with a complaining spirit. I see it most clearly when it rubs off on David, and yes, even a baby who can't talk somehow picks up my negativity when it rears its ugly head.
At first I was offended.
"Obviously, I complain... look at how many inconveniences I suffer through. Look at all the work I do that no one sees. I HAVE to talk about it to get the necessary affirmation."
Next the shame hit, but only for a minute.
God has also been freeing me from years and years of built up guilt over being a human. I saw a glimpse of my heart's true intent underneath all the layers of pretense I so carefully weave together to cover my naked desires, the desires that seek to lift myself up, make myself look better, and get as much as I possibly can from everyone else. You know... those desires. So I was ashamed.
Finally, the true repenting feelings came. The ones that bring me to my knees in desperation, but not in hopelessness. I confessed. I thanked God for showing me yet another layer of the sin that He already paid for. I thanked Him for the freedom that comes through that payment and also for the Holy Spirit who helps teach and guide me. I told him I didn't know how to change, or even want to really.
I asked God to change me.
Today could have been a hard day. It could have been one where I add up the lists of things I do and hold it against the world, saying, "SEE ME STRIVE!" But God quieted my heart. He actually made me able to enjoy caring for my sick family, cleaning my dirty house, and having hours of no conversation. He did it, not me.
So here I sit at coffee by myself, processing this hectic day, and I am peaceful. I feel refreshed and made new. Praise God for transforming every day ordinary life into moments of worship. Praise God for being everything I need.
"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2